The panic attacks are getting worse. The average attack is almost as bad as the day I swallowed those 100 or so painkillers (I still think what if I never called vann) my anxiety is so bad. They’ve given me klonipin but my fucking grandmother has to keep hold of it. For some reason. I can’t stay in a decent mood all day anymore. By nightfall or midday I’m on everyone’s case and trembling like a damned dildo. I don’t take the shit they give me. Maybe I should. Lol it was prescribed months ago and the shits still at the pharmacy. I miss being thin and talking to people. God I’m just so lonely inside. I feel like there’s a huge gaping void and I have no idea what might have went missing. So I don’t know how to fill it. I’d blow my brains out so fucking quick if I weren’t so afraid of the afterlife. Salvia made me think allot differently about not being able to grasp or fathom a state of reality. And I dont know what my state of reality would be like after death. It scares the fuck out of me. But I’m not happy all the time. An when it rains, it floods. When it shines, it droughts. The bipolar bullshit I suppose. That last line seemed so fucking fake to me. As If I were writing it for you. Laugh out fucking loud. Lee is all I have now. All that matters. But I still feel so empty. But what is meaning? What is value? What the fuck does it even matter and why do chemicals release saying hey! In the grand scheme of things all this bullshit is pointless but let’s feel bad about it anyway! Woot! Fuck…
I can’t have it my way. My mind likes to fight with my heart but I really wish they’d get along. I sometimes don’t know what to do. Doubt and worry are all I seem to know. I really wish I felt like someone still cared enough to listen to me drone on but nowadays i feel like I’m fighting for anyone’s time and I don’t win too much. I feel like my words often go ignored. I sometimes don’t feel like getting up and being a person. I go too long without fixing myself up and I let myself go too often. I quit things I barely begin. Especially if they make me feel like I’m doing something right. I can’t hold down any amount of pressure without giving up too early. Im weak. Im selfish. I’m co dependent. And I’m a hypocrite. One of the worst. I wish I could change. I wish someone wanted me to change. I wish someone cared enough to read these and feel empathy. Or just to even read them. I don’t think I’m doing this life thing right. It may be time to retry someday. Hit the restart button or something. But my only fear is that it would be a life where I didn’t know you. And as much as you’ve impacted me iv barely scratched your surface. If I said I didn’t miss those days we were still relevant in each others lives. Id be a fucking fake. Just like I was to you. Just like I am now.
Every time I hit send. I’m anxious. And it gets the best of me. That’s why I can’t be me around you.
But you’re apparently supposed to increase my dosage? Okay…
You think you’re fucking hot shit because you’re the principle of a school people are ashamed to admit that they go to. Some of us actually get fucking laughed at for going to your garbage establishment. You nicknamed your fucking self? Who does that? “L train” wow fucking unique you piece of shit. Leave me the fuck alone when I’m not doing anything and quit trying to get my dick on camera you creepy motherfucker. You want to talk about my style? Your fucking sports polo and slacks. WOW REAL FUCKING ORIGINAL. I bet you get allot of dusty old pussy for that shit. Go fuck yourself before I do it for you with my bayonet. Ever have a bullet go up your colon?
People said he’d amount to nothing. They laughed with all there friends
He kept a razor in his back pocket.
“it ends the pain, I swear it does”
But when is enough, enough?
When does the young boy finally break?
He traded that rusty razor for a gun. And waited patiently for them to come.
He shoved the barrel in the innocent kids mouth and quickly got rid of him.
He grabbed his knife skinned the next one alive and raped the skinned one bear. Jammed the knife in his eye and laughed maniacally for what seemed like eternity to the last boy. The look on his face made the boy smile. He pried out every last tooth….the video ends with 3 guns shots.
I remember how soft your hair used to be..reminiscent of grapefruits and cherry blossoms. Your skin would glow, even in dimly lit rooms. Your eyes are so hollow now a days…they used to be the deepest of blues. What happened to the one I once knew? Who’s laugh would lighten the heaviest of hearts. Where did it all go…? You’re no longer the angel I know. It happened sometime last fall..they were cruel to you, weren’t they? They didn’t seem to understand you at all and treated you like a plague. I wish I could hold you now and breathe back the life into your cold dead hands. ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR. WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME THINGS WERE GETTING THIS WAY? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ABOUT YOU? I guess it really doesn’t matter..so much..anymore. I miss you. I really do. The tear drop on my phone is making this a little hard to type. But you no longer have to worry about such trivial things. Oyasumi, friend. You changed my life…I wish in return I could have saved yours.